Five Horses

This is mythical and deep...  Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

 The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

 

.. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"       

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuxxxng widow."

Commercial was rejected for airing during the Super Bowl

Still Waiting

Exercises for those over 50

This seems a little daunting to start
with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-Lbs potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and  then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-Lbs potato sacks.


Then try 25-Lbs potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-Lbs potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack..

 

A Few Laughs for You

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Manners

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.