Little Johnny

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the

students, one by one. by one.

"Peter, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young

lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she

asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you Michael, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right

back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice

to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once

and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have

to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get                                      

to meet after supper."

" The teacher fainted "                                                                                                  

Confucius Says:

Man who scratch ass

should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many

prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong:

man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not 

determine who is right, war 

determines who is left.

 Wife who put 

husband in doghouse soon find 

him in cathouse.

Man who fight with

wife all day get no piece at night.

 It take many nail

to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like

hell, bound to get there..

Man who live in

glass house should change 

clothes in basement.

Man who fish in 

other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator 

smell different to midget.

 

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As he walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

 

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

Although she found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears she was quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But she doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh, my God! Maybe this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children!'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

 

Apple Does It Again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered  a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.                

                                                                                                                                        
  



                                                                                                                       

Stay of Execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner
is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER

STOP?!"