A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
          
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
          
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two
 others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
          
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
          
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
 eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
          
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this

Like Son Like Father

Transportation Security Administration (TSA)

                                                                                                             

The Rabbit Test

photo © 2007 Meghana Kulkarni | more info(via: Wylio)
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

God Loves Drunks Too!

Mr. & Mrs. Kelly  were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.  Mr. Kelly  gets Up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the  pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance! .... it is 3:00  in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" ask's Mrs. Kelly.

"Just some drunk guy  asking for a push."

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I  did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re  member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys  helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of  yourself!
God loves drunk people too.

Mr. Kelly does as he is
  told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls  out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the  answer.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!" 

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing"

                                                                                                                                                   

The Lost Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat."

 

The $600 Billion Challenge

The $600 Billion Challenge

Staying Fit

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty

and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for

dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you

this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all

my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man

asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of

food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going

to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing

that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks

like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."                                                                     

smirk

Web TV gadgets through the ages (images)

Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,  "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."


His funeral service will be held on Friday                                                                                                                                           

     

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Little Johnny

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the

students, one by one. by one.

"Peter, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young

lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she

asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you Michael, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right

back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice

to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once

and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have

to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get                                      

to meet after supper."

" The teacher fainted "                                                                                                  

Confucius Says:

Man who scratch ass

should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many

prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong:

man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not 

determine who is right, war 

determines who is left.

 Wife who put 

husband in doghouse soon find 

him in cathouse.

Man who fight with

wife all day get no piece at night.

 It take many nail

to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like

hell, bound to get there..

Man who live in

glass house should change 

clothes in basement.

Man who fish in 

other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator 

smell different to midget.

 

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As he walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

 

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

Although she found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears she was quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But she doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh, my God! Maybe this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children!'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

 

Apple Does It Again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered  a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.                

                                                                                                                                        
  



                                                                                                                       

Stay of Execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner
is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER

STOP?!"     

 

Five Horses

This is mythical and deep...  Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

 The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

 

.. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"       

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuxxxng widow."

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Exercises for those over 50

This seems a little daunting to start
with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-Lbs potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and  then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-Lbs potato sacks.


Then try 25-Lbs potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-Lbs potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack..

 

A Few Laughs for You

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Manners

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.