God Loves Drunks Too!

Mr. & Mrs. Kelly  were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.  Mr. Kelly  gets Up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the  pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance! .... it is 3:00  in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" ask's Mrs. Kelly.

"Just some drunk guy  asking for a push."

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I  did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re  member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys  helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of  yourself!
God loves drunk people too.

Mr. Kelly does as he is
  told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls  out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the  answer.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!" 

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing"

                                                                                                                                                   

The Lost Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat."

 

The $600 Billion Challenge

The $600 Billion Challenge

Staying Fit

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty

and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for

dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you

this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all

my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man

asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of

food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going

to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing

that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks

like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."                                                                     

smirk

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